What do you do when you have lived one third of your life hoping life will pan out for you the way it often does for others?
I often get criticized for not fighting for what I ‘should’ want in life and spending my time devoting to work that some say do not reap any life benefits.
At one level I do agree that it’s true that I have given most of my life to work, thinking, and worrying about jobs, expenses, planning for a better future etc. But what I don’t agree with is the notion that I didn’t fight enough for personal well being – not taking care of myself, not interacting enough with people, not finding someone to marry.
What has fighting got to do with it? I may not have wanted my personal life to settle as much as I do now, but where is the question of not having the intent or effort?
As I write this blog today I do feel that time is running out on me and youth is not going to be on my side for very long. I have liked people and have wanted to settle on a number of occasions but I guess I was not the one for them. A fact that I’m quite okay with now but it seems to me that people are not okay with it.
Today, I went out on a lunch with two young mothers and was forced to listen to nanny talks, pregnancy, burden of expectations from working mothers, child care, how they could eat just anything in their teens and twenties and not gain weight to how even thinking about food has ill effects on them. This among other ‘married’ people talks. I tried contributing but for my lack of interest and experience, I wasn’t very good company to my colleagues. All I could do was give them a patient hearing and pretend I empathized and understood their situation.
They in-turn returned the favor by asking some ‘single’ people questions, such as “When are you planning your next vacation? December? What! You still have six months to go! and other such as “How is your project going on?’ or “I heard that you went for that weekend trip and that you were working. What a shame!” There was only one question asked of me that resulted in a strong response. “Did you ever expect you would gain weight by eating donuts in your twenties?” to which I replied, “Please don’t even ask me that question since I have been overweight since childhood.” This follows a hearty laughter which lasted momentarily after which the usual ‘married’ people talks continued.
I do respect all species including the ‘married’ species, but I’m finding it incredibly difficult to relate to their conversations and feel equally awkward when they attempt to make me comfortable by asking irrelevant – ‘single’ people questions. I think one advantage of growing old is that people would acknowledge spinsterhood without being apologetic and be more comfortable talking about the things they want to talk about in front of me without feeling bad for my ‘status’ or ‘situation’ since by then everything that is of consequence to them and their world would truly be lost on me.